Why are they telling me this? A reflection on coaching

Often there’s at least one question that someone really needs to ask themselves, but they get stuck for some reason and it never quite comes out. If you listen carefully to others, you might sometimes hear them advertise this need. I think each of us is a little like a Play-Doh® Fun Factory in this way, because we can only hold so many unanswered questions before some of them inadvertently squeeze out in a variety of strange forms. We may not be looking close enough to the real question so that we can recognize them ourselves, but we are providing vital clues for a keen observer.

The Marion Franklin book, The Heart of Laser-focused Coaching presents two critical questions that are invaluable tools for anyone who might help someone discover the questions they have forgotten to ask themselves:

• Why are they telling me this?

• What’s making this a problem for this person?

Coaching, as a toolset or discipline, provides a different way to frame the conversations we have. It is one that demands our acceptance that the other person in the conversation is the only thing that matters. It requires that we set aside our own notions of what the problem might be and how to fix it, an action in itself that can be quite challenging for a race of problem-solving primates.

As an introduction, or reminder, here are my key thoughts. These are things that have come up in conversations about coaching during the past year.

Core coaching disciplines

• It's not about you! I don’t care how much the story someone is telling you sounds like something you’ve been through or listened to before, it is their story, and it is always unique to them. Every time we make our own ending for someone else’s story we are walling ourselves off from a whole range of possibilities that may provide a much more satisfying outcome for the person in front of us.

• They know the answers already, but don’t expect them to know that. While it might seem quite respectful to ask someone what they would like to get from a conversation, it ignores the fact that they wouldn’t need to talk about this challenge in their lives if they already had an answer that actually addressed the root cause.

• Reflect. Letting people hear back what you’ve heard them say can be an effective way to build a rapport, but it’s more importantly a way for people to hear their own thoughts with enough difference in perspective that they need to re-examine the truth of them. Reflection should be your voice expressing the essence of what you heard them tell you – the facts that underpin their story rather than the narrative that weaves them together.

• Ask open questions. Any question that inspires a yes/no type of answer requires you to do the thinking and as I’ve already said – it’s not about you. The whole point of this conversation is to help someone think through their own problems, so anything you say that doesn’t invite them to think more deeply or differently does not belong in the conversation.

• Respect the silence. Remember that idea that it’s not about you? That tells you that you ought to be spending a lot more time listening than you do talking (something like an 80/20 ratio is generally about right). Perhaps the most important aspect of how you listen is how well you resist the urge to fill the silence that opens up after a question or observation. You’re in a conversation with a human being and you may just have asked them something they have never asked themselves – they need time to think! So wait, respect the silence, and when they’ve said something, wait again – they’ll often need to think more about what first came to mind. If you speak first you are just burying the truth you have been trying to uncover. 

• Don’t run from the feelings. Emotions underpin everything about us, and every problem we face has emotion tied up in it. So the idea that you’re not really comfortable discussing how people feel just won’t work. So be comfortable dipping into their emotions, asking what feelings their story or your observations conjure up for them. But don’t bring your own feelings into their story and get lost down an emotional rabbit hole!

A coach is not a therapist

Something that often comes up is this idea that we might accidentally step across the line that turns a coaching conversation into a therapeutic one. Social psychologist Ellen Langer provides a perspective that I find helpful in defining the difference between coaching and therapy. It is the idea that peace is the neutral and necessary space between unhappy and happy. When we're unhappy we are typically unable to accept a thing (or things) in our lives. When we reach acceptance, we can cope with anything, but may still be negatively impacted. It's just that we've moved from unhappy into ‘neutral.’ We have found peace. From these thoughts I define the difference as:

• Therapy is a process that helps someone move from unhappy to neutral. They may still be stuck practically, but they are able to accept and live with the situation.

• Coaching moves them from neutral to happy. They get themselves unstuck and become able to move forward, removing or resolving the situation or blockage.

If you’re searching for a more powerful way to connect with others and solve problems more effectively, then ‘this may be the droid you’re looking for.’ Coaching when used appropriately is a powerful tool so take a moment and think about how you as a leader can be a coach to those who look to you for guidance.

Are you interested in learning more about your role as a coach when you are a leader? Do you have a core team of leaders who would benefit from group coaching on how to find themselves as leaders in a more agile way? Do you want to elevate women in your organization into positions of leadership? Take a look at the services we offer at Agility for All and schedule time to chat.

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About the Author:

KYLE RICHARDSON

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