We are all lopsided (Or How to find your box of fluffies)

My sister really is lopsided. She is an above-knee amputee and has literally been a little lopsided for over 20 years. She gets along pretty well these days, and if you were to ask her on any given day how she was doing, the most likely sentence you’d get back is, “like a box of fluffies”. Yes folks, that’s my big sister, seeing her whole life as an always-full box of warm, soft, gentle, comforting events, people and places. 

It took some time to get there after the day she climbed down from a horse (note that the actual ride was uneventful), onto a foot that had ‘gone to sleep’ while in the stirrup. Her leg buckled and cruelly broke in a compound fracture just above her ankle. What followed was a series of medical misadventures, more than one case of septicemia requiring intensive care, and multiple surgeries – initially to save her leg, but ultimately to save her life. At the end of that journey she was left suffering with chronic pain, addicted to opiates, and struggling with her mental health. 

If this was just a superb run of bad luck, you would perhaps assume that out of that dark place she built her current ‘box of fluffies.’ But for my sister this situation was just the latest setback in a life of much tragedy, loss, abuse, and pain. And through it all, she always had some fluffies at hand, often at times when no-one else could see any positives. My big sister is a courageous human being, but her greatest strength is her resilience.

Be a Weeble

Resilience is something we all need, sooner or later. While it’s true that some people find it easier than others to deal with difficult circumstances, it is a skill that can be learnt by anyone. It comes from practice and we can be proactive in building it up before disaster strikes. 

“Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life” Susan David, Ph.D. 

When trouble comes your way there is a sliding scale for your response, from blaming yourself (or others), through to immediately looking for your next move, or the potential opportunity a situation presents. When you tend towards seeing yourself as inadequate, feeling that it’s all your fault, or that life is in some way unfair – you are experiencing the common side effects of a fixed mindset. It’s also likely you see your abilities or intelligence in one or more areas as fixed and unchangeable.

The alternate perspective (or filter) you can apply is that of a growth mindset, where you look to learn from whatever comes along; to improve wherever you can. A growth mindset is grounded in the assumption that effort, planning, and collaboration with others can strengthen your attributes and intelligence; that you can always grow and improve.

Fortune is a great provider, and will always (sooner if not later) provide you with some amount of discomfort or suffering. But the meaning you take from that is what sets you on a path to developing great resilience. The more you practice getting up and figuring out what’s next, the harder it is to get knocked down.

If you were to ask my big sister she’d agree, but would be more likely to give you this line attributed to 1970s advertising executive J. Mitchell Reed:

“Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down”

Practice makes us slightly less lopsided

I want to acknowledge that asserting you just need to ‘get back on the horse’, is about as useful as an inflatable dartboard in a sports bar. But I do have some practical suggestions that might help move the needle from ‘oh god, there is no hope’ toward ‘this too shall pass.’

Self-compassion

Harvard Medical School psychologist and author of the book ‘Emotional Agility’, Susan David PhD, makes the point that we need to accept that being alive means sometimes getting hurt, failing, being stressed, and making mistakes.

You need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror, regardless of how bad things get, and see someone of value; a beautiful person, worthy of love and healing.

Mindfulness practice, particularly loving kindness meditations, are a great tool to help you see these things about yourself if you’re struggling with that.  

Be your own friend first

Psychotherapist and regular columnist for the Irish Independent, Stella O’Malley, had this to say in a recent article on growth mindsets and developing resilience:

“If you want to build resilience and learn how to deal with failure then the best place to begin is with your self-talk. Resilient people learn to speak to themselves as they would speak to a good friend. Positive, expansive and compassionate self-talk helps us see opportunities in the face of problems while a harsh and critical inner voice narrows our vision.”

If talking to yourself is too far too fast, then write it down. Journaling has been used as a tool for centuries to unpack the day’s events in order to learn from them, and to reinforce strengths and good habits.

Re-frame everything

On contemplating tragedy, prolific journalist Marcus Aurelius (200 AD) had this to say:

“It’s unfortunate that this has happened. No, it’s fortunate that this has happened and I’ve remained unharmed by it — not shattered by the present or frightened of the future. It could have happened to anyone. But not everyone could have remained unharmed by it.”

It’s often a default response to categorize events as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Re-framing things as ‘different,’ ‘unconventional,’ or as ‘learning opportunities’ can help you separate yourself from your emotions.

This isn’t about sugar-coating something unpleasant. When we disentangle our emotions from the situation, we are making space to examine and process those feelings. It’s very hard to do that when you feel trapped inside them – you become the feeling and it limits how you can react.

It’s just as important to re-frame positive events. Not to minimize the pleasure you might derive from receiving praise, or the satisfaction of a job well done, but to avoid falling into the trap of not learning and improving from every situation; to avoid building yourself up so high that you become scared to try new things and accept feedback.  

“If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same” Rudyard Kipling (from the poem ‘If’)

Assume you will need to adapt

When you make a plan, it doesn’t mean that everything will work out. Accepting that is a big factor in learning to be resilient. If you experience that as frustration it will only hold you back. It’s important to have a plan, but equally important to re-evaluate and adjust your plan often. Learn to see that as a creative exercise that you can look forward to and improve at. 

If you can bring yourself to plan for the absolute worst possible outcome you will be one step ahead of anything that upends your current plan. Your mind is naturally more resilient when faced with what it has already prepared for.

“When I begin my work in the morning, I expect to have a successful and pleasant day of it, but at the same time I prepare myself to hear that one of our school buildings is on fire, or has burned, or that some disagreeable accident had occurred, or that someone has abused me in a public address or a printed article, for something that I have done or omitted to do, or something that he had heard that I had said—probably something I had never thought of saying.”  Booker T. Washington

Rest

Increasing the amount of good quality sleep improves cognitive function. Late night binge-fests of any kind might feel good for a few minutes but the next day (or days), you will be less able to separate your emotions from situations, and have less processing power to plan and make good decisions.

Neuroplasticity is your friend

As always, as simple as this is, it isn’t necessarily easy. It takes work; practice, to re-shape your mind to serve you better in times of crisis. The good news is that neuroplasticity is your friend – the human brain retains the ability throughout life to re-wire it’s circuits; build new habits; develop a different mindset.

Too often people spend their lives trying to prove their value to friends, colleagues, employers, etc. Wouldn’t you rather dedicate that energy towards becoming a better you? The best part is, that when that happens the value to others comes for free. 

And finally, the happy ending

So what happened to my big sister? She re-framed the narrative, accepted what she couldn’t change (i.e. inability to grow a new leg), and embraced the things she could. She now lives somewhere that is never cold, has a new and very successful career, and is married to a beautiful caring man. She takes none of it for granted and doesn’t waste any of her time on regret for the many things she doesn’t have.

Thankfully we won’t all have to cope with the same level of difficulty, but we cannot always predict what will come our way. Some will suffer more than others, and none of us ever get to choose. But what matters is what we do when faced with suffering; how we make our lives move forward, not just despite everything, but because of everything. 

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About the Author:

KYLE RICHARDSON

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